Sick as a Dog Days of Summer

With a subject line like that, I could be on wheel of fortune. Unfortunately, my luck seems to be in the gutter right now so I don't reckon I'd be very likely to hit the jackpot in any facet of life, including mindless tv game shows. Honestly, is the universe just dealing me hand after hand and forcing me to fold or what? First I get hit by a bicyclist while running and land in the ER with brain damage and a broken nose; next I'm sick for 5 days straight with nothing but a nasty case of strep throat, which was also a stealth strain of the bacteria which was able to escape 4 cultures before being identified. I'm so behind in work and I'm too tired to run from the truth anymore. I hate it here. I really do. Philadelphia has become nothing but a dirty city in my mind and all of my friends here, for the most part, are tiring. I don't really feel all that close to anyone and instead I just feel like I want to dig in a whole untill I can try to find something more appealing to my palate. I miss my Mom but only when she's not around. I feel like I want company only when I'm alone. I seek refuge when I'm in a group. I feel out of place and unstimulated in my classes. I feel like the rebel who is too afraid to take start the revolution. It's just a little too late for me. It's too late for me to leave this school. I have to suck down two more years as if it were a double shot of wickedly wretched liquor and hope that somehow I get drunk enough that I won't remember what happened in the morning. The problem is that I always do and I never forgive myself for the prior nights events. I can't help but feel like a has been. I feel like I had so much potential at one point, but that this dire institution and my inability to be honest with myself has just made me this dull unrecognizable character. I have too much pride to admit I'm wrong and I have too much of an ego to expose my faults to the people I love. I suppose I won't really be able to be at peace untill I surrender. I don't know how and I don't know when and I'm afraid of what will happen to me when I do. How long can I keep living a lie? I just feel so much rage right now. That's the best way for me to describe it. Rage and disgust. Disgust with myself. I need the ocean to wash away my worries. I need something to be passionate about. I need something to live for. That's all anyone wants, but that's what I have to have. I can't keep living like this. If I died tomorrow, my life would be nothing. And the worse part, I wouldn't even die happy. I would die lonely and tired. Note: I am 20 years old. Why should I feel lonely and tired? And how could anyone feel lonely in the crowd that I have surrounded for myself? When I think about it, I really only think I have two friends in the entire world. Only two people that would act selflessly. I feel like everyone is out to get some medal for being a good person. Who is judging? No one. No points are awarded except for their own egos. I feel that I am at the brink again. I could go anywhere from here but I won't go anywhere because I am lacking the passion and integrity to carry me over the edge. I have to find it. I know it lies within me. I know that I can do something with my life that I won't mind dying for. If I don't, I'm better off dead.